9 Ways To Help A Guy Last Longer In Bed
We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today's topic: how to help a guy last longer during sex.
Here are nine tips.
1. Give It Time
Having sex with a new partner is always nerve-wracking. We have a lot of stereotypes about men being sex fiends, but they can get just as anxious about sex as women can. When men are nervous or anxious, they tend to orgasm quickly (some men will also have a hard time getting or staying hard, or will have difficulty orgasming at all).
If you and your guy have only slept together a few times, have a bit of patience. These initial jitters typically go away within a few weeks. If about a month has passed and things are still the same, then it may be time to take action on some of my tips below.
2. Check Your Expectations
The average sex romp lasts about three to seven minutes, on average. Your boyfriend falls right within that range (and your ex boyfriend is well outside of it!). This can be frustrating for women who sleep with men, since women tend to take closer to 20 minutes on average. Orgasmic considerations aside, intercourse feels good, so of course it’s natural to want it to last longer.
3. Take It Slow
If you’re in a brand-new relationship with your partner, be compassionate when bringing up the idea of lasting longer in bed. This is one of the biggest sources of anxiety for men, and he almost certainly already knows that he’s not lasting very long. Think about the Golden Rule, and imagine how you would want him to talk about any sexual difficulties you have. For example, maybe you struggle to reach orgasm with a partner.
4. Mix Things Up
Now let’s transition into some actual techniques for extending sex in the moment. Most heterosexual couples spend a few of minutes on foreplay, then move on to intercourse until completion. I dislike the word “foreplay” because it implies that these activities must come before intercourse, like an appetizer (can someone come up for a replacement? “Interplay”? Or maybe just “play”?).
You can make things last a lot longer by playing around with the order of the specific activities that are usually a part of your sex life. Take breaks from intercourse (or whatever your default activity is), and go back to “foreplay”. Here’s one example of how a session could look: spend some time giving each other erotic massages. Move on to hand jobs. Start having intercourse. Go back to hand jobs. Go back to intercourse. Move on to oral sex. Masturbate in front of him until you reach orgasm. Go back to intercourse. Then finish him off with your mouth. Switching things up in this way is fun in the moment (it’s so hot not knowing what comes next!), and brings an element of surprise to your sex life.
5. ... And Encourage Him To Mix Up His Strokes, Too
A lot of men tend to default to hard, fast, and deep thrusts during intercourse, which is a sure-fire way to orgasm quickly. It’s better to mix up your strokes. Aim for a couple of fast strokes, followed up a couple of long, slow, shallow ones. If he’s in control in a particular position, grab his hips and say, “I want you to go really slow for a minute. As slowly as you can possibly go.” Or try, “I want to feel your whole penis moving in and out of me. Pull out as far as you can go.” Or, you can show him what you mean by getting into a position where you’re in charge, like woman on top.
6. Suggest Optimal Positions
In that vein, you can also suggest specific positions that can help him slow down and focus on longer, shallower thrusts. Some sex positions make it easier for him to last longer, including ones where he can’t get very deep, or ones where you’re in control. Here are some of the positions I suggest:
- Side By Side
- The Cross
- Modified Doggy Style
- Woman On Top
- Sitting In A Chair
7. Play Red Light Green Light
What most men need if they’re getting too close to orgasm is to take a break and let themselves calm down. The problem is, a lot of guys feel embarrassed about having to take a break. Some guys even see it as a sign of "failure".
One really hot way to get him to take these breaks is to play the adult version of red light green light. Tell him beforehand that you want to play a game. Whenever one of you says “red light,” both partners have to stop what they’re doing and stay perfectly still until the same person calls out, “green light.” If you can sense him starting to get close, say “red light.” This game can make taking a break feel like a really sexy, taunting tease.
8. Use Toys
Another great way to make taking a break feel sexy is to bring some toys in. Have your boyfriend take a breather, then break out a vibrator to use on you. If you like the feeling of penetration, have him use his fingers or a phallic-shaped vibrator to keep penetrating you.
9. Try Outercourse
In my sex therapy practice, I work with a lot of men who want to last longer. One of my favorite tips to give them when they need a break is to pull out and use the head of their penis to rub against their partner’s clitoris. This is just a great trick for so many reasons. It allows the guy to take a break and bring his arousal levels back down. But rather than just sitting there feeling awkward, you’re still doing something very erotic. Not only that, but it also gives her some much-needed and much-appreciated clitoral stimulation.